Lost Episode: Top of the Line
by Rasputin Zero
Summary: Resurrected from the flaming wreckage of ZiM episode concepts, my personal rendition of an established storyline. Please read the sequel: Lost Episode: Small War
1. Top of the Line a

INVADER ZIM "TOP OF THE LINE"  
EPISODE #210 (IZFAS)  
WRITTEN BY RASPUTIN BASED ON ORIGINAL CONCEPT BY JHONEN VASQUEZ

INT: TAK'S ESCAPE POD

We open up in a darkened, cramped, deeply claustrophobic interior of Tak's escape pod. Specifically, at Tak's tired, exhausted face. Her eyes are closed, her breath is still, and the lighting on her face suggests that she's been this way for quite a considerable amount of time. Then, after a good 15 seconds of scene-setting, the reflection of a computer screen appears on her face, along with some corresponding computer chatter. Her eyes remain closed as the computer reflection continues ticking away.

A direct shot at the computer screen reveals a list of calculations of co-ordinates in Irken running down the screen before clicking and transforming into a diagram of a nearby planet, with corresponding Irken symbols indicating important points, as well as numerous intervening clips of starcharts and a real-time view of the planet itself.

We cut back to Tak, who still has her eyes closed while the reflection continues to clip back and forth between various factors before finally clipping to an image of the Irken Corporate Logo and clipping further to what appears to be some kind of promotional video. The audio clips in and while the voice drones on Tak's eyes begin to open.

COMMERCIAL  
Welcome one, welcome all to the sporting event of the season! I hope you got yer tickets ready 'cos this is gonna be one heck of a ride!

As Tak drearily views the screen, we cut back towards it, showing images of a CG'ed logo in Irken in front of a planet, apparently the one Tak's pod is approaching, before cutting to clips of SIR units engaged in all sorts of tasks like boosting, blowing stuff up, engaging in gladiatorial fights, and views of a large crowd in stalls and special floating booths cheering deliriously, all while the audio drones on.

COMMERCIAL  
As it's time, once again, for the FIRST ANNUAL 48-HOUR SIR-A-THON! Promising thrills! Drama! Excitement! Things getting blown up a lot! And, of course, a chance to witness the equipment of the best of the Irken Elite in use for the first time ever!

We cut back to Tak for the next part, and as the audio continues we see her eyes narrowing and her rage palpably building up inside of her.

COMMERCIAL  
And by the best, I mean the 32, the only, the INVADERS! The best in the Irken Army who will be there on the planet Olympia, IN PERSON, to see the best of Irken military engineering guided by those very select few who made the grade!

We again cut back to the screen, seeing the SIR units standing proud alongside their Invader owners.

COMMERCIAL  
You have to be pretty darn talented to make this lot, and you can't help but admire these brave Irkens who do their very best to serve the Empire-

The screen shorts out as Tak buries his fist in the screen.

INT: ZIM'S BASE

Zim is staring, captivated, by the commercial on screen.

COMMERCIAL  
So get in line and get to planet Olympia for the VERY FIRST ANNUAL 48-HOUR SIR-A-THON! DO THE EMPIRE PROUD!

ENDORSEMENT  
This advertisement is brought to you by the Irken Cocoa Corporation. The Irken Cocoa Corporation takes no responsibility if you bash your skull on the monitor expecting chocolate to appear.

The screen goes blank. But Zim remains transfixed.

ZIM  
Who do their very best to serve the empire! (Zim honks with glee) Eeeeheheheeee...

A sound of high-pitched shrieking permeates the chamber, distracting Zim for a moment. He ignores it for the longest time until his face collides very violently with the screen as GIR clings to his head.

GIR  
HEEEELP MEEEE! SAVE ME FROM THE CONES!

ZIM  
Ack! Get off of me!

Zim and GIR keep struggling until Zim manages to collect the effort to hold GIR by the neck and hold him in front of his bruised, exceptionally irritated face.

ZIM  
WHAT!...do you want...GIR? (trying very hard to keep himself under control)

GIR  
The cones! They follow me wherever I go! Don't let the cones eat my head! (looks down) AAAAAH! THERE THEY ARE! GO AWAY! AAAAH!

GIR begins kicking and screaming while Zim struggles to retain a grip.

ZIM  
GIR! Stop this instant! They're just your legs!

GIR stops kicking and looks down at his legs with a newfound sense of wonderment.

GIR  
Woooo...

ZIM  
Now if you could just...

GIR  
HI MISTER LEG! HI MISSUS LEG! YOU DON'T NEED BE SCARED NO MORE! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW! I wanna go show them the kitchen! That okay?

ZIM  
GIR! Oh...we have a serious problem GIR. (sets GIR down, who continues concentrating on his legs. He brings one up and twiddles around with it with palpable delight, does the same with the other, and then tries it on the both of them, with disastrous results) I have been invited to a special Invader festival where SIR units compete with each other, however you do not seem of adequate intelligence to take part.

GIR  
My legs betrayed me! I forgive you legs!

ZIM  
As you can see. (turns back and starts rummaging amongst materials on the tabletop) But, it doesn't seem we have a choice. The contest starts tomorrow and I want to get there in time to get a good seat at the podium. The back seats are HORRIBLE. However, to ensure some degree of success, I propose that you, GIR, do EXACTLY what I say or else...(pulls out a large, novelty plastic duck while wearing a sinister grin on his face)...THE DUCK GETS IT!

GIR screams for an extended period of time before abruptly stopping and giggling.

GIR  
Hehe...duck...

ZIM  
Just come on!

Zim moves to exit the chamber with GIR in tow, who's looking down at his moving legs with unbridled fascination, continuing to walk on the spot while Zim stops in the middle of the chamber.

ZIM  
Minimoose!

Minimoose appears from the rafters and peeps in recognition.

ZIM  
Minimoose, I'm heading away with GIR for a few days, make sure no one enters while we are away, and if they do, be sure to inflict such pain as has never been inflicted in the history of pain. CAN YOU INFLICT SUCH PAIN?

Minimoose squeaks cheerily.

ZIM  
EXCELLENT! Come GIR!

Zim exits the chamber with GIR, who's still transfixed by his legs.

EXT: ZIM'S HOUSE

The top of Zim's house opens and the Voot Runner heads off into the night sky. Dib's swollen head pops out of some nearby bushes in response.

DIB  
Finally! Doesn't he EVER leave? Okay, time for infiltration. THE DEFENCE OF EARTH BEGINS...NOW!

INT: ZIM'S HOUSE

Dib jumps through a window, ready to punce forth until he stops short at the sight of minimoose, who squeaks in response.

DIB  
What are you doing here?

Squeak.

DIB  
Defending the base? What are you gonna do then?

Squeak.

DIB  
I see, so you're going to inflict such pain as has never been inflicted in the history of pain?

Squeak.

DIB  
Actually, that'd be quite impressive.

Minimoose promptly floats forward and bops Dib lightly on the nose. Dib doesn't so much as flinch, while Minimoose retains a blank look on his face.

DIB  
Well, it WAS pain inflicted as had never been inflicted in the history of pain, I'll give you that much.

A long pause ensues.

DIB  
So, uh, be seeing you then.

Dib climbs back out the window and scutters off. Minimoose peeps in triumph.

EXT: THE MASSIVE, IN ORBIT AROUND PLANET OLYMPIA

The Massive, along with a substantial chunk of the armada, and a vast amount of other craft that apparently act as transport ships, heading down towards the planet.

TECHNICIAN (O.S  
We have achived orbit above planet Olympia!

RED (O.S  
About time! Who would've thought a toilet break would last that long!

INT: THE MASSIVE

Red is standing upright and glaring at his technicians, while Purple is sitting comfortably, staring at the sports highlights on the monitor.

PURPLE  
Hey, it wasn't my fault that you don't seem to trust the Massive's bathroom facilities.

RED  
Those were VORTIAN-DESIGNED bathroom facilities! Who knows what they could have booby-trapped it with! Besides, people keep clogging up the pipes with tissue paper, that stuff COSTS y'know!

PURPLE  
Relax, we're here already. AND KEYED-UP FOR EXTREME SPORTING ACTION! YEEEAH!

TECHNICIAN  
INCOMING TRANSMISSIOOOON!...from an unidentified vessel off our port bow.

PURPLE  
Awww...the extreme sporting actiooon...

RED  
Just patch it through!

Tak appears on the screen, looking extremely exhausted after six months in a tube, and in a pod that's blatantly about to disintegrate.

TAK  
My Tallest! I've reached you at last! None of my calls went through but after long...PAINFUL months of drifting, I'm finally home! Safe! Free! Now if you could...

PURPLE  
Wait...wait...who are you anyway?

TAK  
But...I'm Tak! Fearsome Invader! Scourge of the universe and all that! I contacted you six months ago about replacing Zim! You agreed!

RED  
If it happened, I'm sure I would have remembered it...

PURPLE  
No...wait...I think I remember you. You failed didn't you?

TAK  
Well, yes. But he had allies! It was a fluke! I could try again, I'm sure!

RED  
With what? You're not an Invader. You're stuck in a tube made from stolen parts. Technically you're nothing more than a fugitive janitor.

TAK  
I'm much more than that! I've gone halfway across the universe on my own initiative! Surely that means something!

PURPLE  
No, it just means you're a defective who refuses to see the facts. I'd blow you out of the stars right now if I could bring myself to care.

RED  
I can! (presses button)

EXT: THE MASSIVE

A pulse leaves the Massive and explodes close to Tak's pod, sending it screaming towards the surface.

INT: THE MASSIVE

The Tallest are both giggling incessantly.

PURPLE  
Oh you...

TECHNICIAN  
INCOMING TRANSMISSIOOOON!...from a Voot Runner off our starboard side.

RED  
A Voot Runner? But no one uses 'em anymore except...oh no.

The screen temporarily goes static as Zim appears.

ZIM  
Greetings my Tallest! I have squeegly feelings inside me as I announce my GLORIOUS entry into this contest!

PURPLE  
What are YOU doing here?

ZIM  
I'm an Invader with a SIR, right? Well, here I am! Ready for the Irken Empire to bow down before the greatness that is ZIIIM!...and his robot. (he accepts the latter part only very grudgingly)

RED  
Robot?

GIR appears on camera wearing a bee suit.

GIR  
YEEEEEEE! I'M GONNA MAKE HONEY!

PURPLE  
You can't join the competition!

ZIM  
Why not? I'm an Invader with a SIR unit after all. Those are the rules.

RED  
Ugh...FINE! You can attend.

PURPLE  
WHAT? NO HE CA- (is muffled by Red)

RED  
Just get out of our sight, will you please?

GIR  
Honeeeey...

ZIM  
Of course sirs! Anything to please my Tallest!

GIR  
Last chance...

The screen finally goes blank and Red lets go of Purple.

PURPLE  
But...but...CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION! REALLY BAD STUFF!

RED  
Get a hold of yourself! We can't go blurting out that he's not really an Invader NOW, we wouldn't know WHAT he'd do. He might've blown up half the fleet on the spot or something.

PURPLE  
We have to get rid of him at some point!

RED  
Just be patient. Besides, don't you have something better to do?

PURPLE  
Oh yeah. EXTREME SPORTING ACTION! WOOOO!

RED  
That's more like it.

EXT: TAK'S POD, ON THE PLANET SURFACE

Tak had been listening in all along via a link in her crashed pod. The planet's surface is grey rock below a dark sky, with plenty of lights in the distance. Debris is scattered around but the pod seems mostly intact. Tak's sanity, however, is something else.

TAK  
I don't believe this. That half-wit gets a comfy place in an all-star tournament while I get the boot! (rips out the electronics in frustration and throws it towards the sky) THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING, TALLEST!

EXT: PLANET'S SURFACE, LONG SHOT

TAK  
DON'T THINK YOU CAN PUSH ME AROUND FOREVER!

EXT: TAK'S POD, ON THE PLANET SURFACE

The look of extreme scorn gives way to a sudden realisation.

TAK  
Mimi? MIMI?

Tak scrambles around the back of the pod to find a box, and she's relieved to find it intact. She opens it up, and we can see the disassembled pieces of Mimi still in functionary condition.

EXT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

Zim's cruiser is parked in a spaceport garage area, while a line of Irkens is congesting around a customs desk. Zim is busy arguing with the official while GIR zooms around, still in the bee suit, making buzzing noises.

ZIM  
What do you mean, "not on the list"?

OFFICIAL  
Okay, I've said it around seventeen times now.

ZIM  
Eighteen.

OFFICIAL  
EIGHTEEN times now, if you claim to be an INVADER, you have to go through a substantial series of checks. And you don't even have a robot.

Zim grabs onto GIR during one of his "flypasses".

ZIM  
Ahem?

OFFICIAL  
Bees don't count.

ZIM  
GIR?

GIR pushes though the hood of his bear suit to reveal his gurning self.

GIR  
I am the pixie queen y'know...

OFFICIAL  
That's all well and good, but you're still not on the list.

Zim drops GIR to the ground, and the shock makes him start crying.

ZIM  
But, how can the greatness that is ZIIIM not be on the list? Have you not heard about my INCREDIBLE exploits?

OFFICIAL  
I'm a bureaucrat, I have no conscious thought of my own.

GIR has continued to cry until finally falling asleep and cuddling up inside his bee suit.

ZIM  
I AM ONE OF THE GREATEST INVADERS THE UNIVERSE HAS EVER SEEN! NO ONE CROSSES ZIM AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

OFFICIAL  
Well, it seems I'm gonna be a first, since you're not coming through.

Zim remains seething, and his eye even twitches a couple of times. Then, rather abruptly, Skoodge appears alongside him. Zim is rather taken aback.

SKOODGE  
He's with me officer!

ZIM  
SKOODGE? Shouldn't you be dead already?

SKOODGE  
Well, it seems I just keep coming back doesn't it? I'd like to help you out, I mean you were so nice to me last time I thought I'd repay the favour!

ZIM  
I threw you in a canyon.

SKOODGE  
Aw shucks, I knew you didn't mean it!

OFFICIAL  
Well, I'm sorry but you're not on the list ei...oh, wait, yours is the smudged one right here. Okay you're through! Sorry to bother you.

SKOODGE  
That's okay!

ZIM  
Inferior slime demon-thing.

Zim walks behind Skoodge, dragging a still-sleeping GIR behind him.

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

The structure is absolutely immense. It's not a stadium in the traditional sense, especially since it's almost impossible to even see the stalls on the other side. It primarily consists of seperate, self-contained stands, jutting out of the metallic structure, between which is many a complex obstacle course. The largest plinth is in the middle, which is presumably where the Tallest and the Invaders are seated. Zim and Skoodge are but termites compared to this structure.

ZIM  
Wooooo. I get to sit in that?

SKOODGE  
Ya sure do, just as soon as I can find an entrance. It's really hard to get a seat here.

ZIM  
So you have your own SIR?

SKOODGE  
I kept mine. It's the only thing that's kept me company during the long, painful periods of isolation and hopelessness. I call it Pudge!

Indeed, Skoodge has been dragging a SIR unit with him, distinctive by a large gash in its head. By its general attitude, it's obvious that the gash had achieved more than was expected. GIR, sans bee suit, takes an immediate liking to it.

GIR  
How are ya Pudge? You wanna be pals? We could make pancakes together!

PUDGE  
PUDGE DOES NOT LIKE PANCAKES! PUDGE THINK ROBOT STUPID! PUDGE ANTICIPATE MANY LONG YEARS OF HORRIBLE SUFFERING FOR ROBOT!

SKOODGE  
Isn't it just loveable?

ZIM  
Hah! Your inferior piece of machinery stands no chance against a truly awesome product of my own engineering as Zim's! GIR! Demonstrate your prowess!

GIR abruptly goes all red-eyed and salutes.

GIR  
YES SIR!

GIR begins to stare evilly at Pudge, who simply maintains his original expression throughout. GIR increases the tenacity of his stare, then levels off, and eventually turns back to cyan and begins cowering.

GIR  
Masteeer...he's all scary-like...

PUDGE  
PUDGE LAUGHS AT GIR'S PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO SUBDUE ME! PUDGE IS NICE!

ZIM  
Heh...(rubs back of head) it needs some practice...(grows increasingly uneasy, then points angrily at Skoodge) YOU WERE LUCKY!

Zim storms off, with GIR retreating from Pudge in the same direction.

EXT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

The number of visitors must be thinning, as the Official seems to be getting bored, leaning on his desk and letting his laser-pen dangle from its chain. His interest perks up as someone seems to be approaching. The Irken is relatively tall-ish, wearing an overcoat that dangles slightly to the back, as well as knee-length studded boots, but otherwise seems quite normal. He wears a badge declaring himself to be a parcel delivery man.

POST-MAN  
I have a parcel for delivery to an...(checks notebook) Invader Tenn?

OFFICIAL  
Ah yes, I think she was expecting one. Just sign these forms and you can get through.

POST-MAN  
Uh-huh...(signs form) So what do you think of the competitors?

OFFICIAL  
The Invaders? Couldn't say. They're so far beyond everyone else it's hard to make any assessments. Oh, and here...

POST-MAN  
Okay...(continues signing forms) Don't think you could ever do anything like them yourself?

OFFICIAL  
What? No! There's an order of things. You're given a place in life and you fulfil it the best you can. No one could just CHOOSE what they want to do, that'd upset the whole Empire!

POST-MAN  
Uh-huh. Well, I guess it isn't healthy to think of these things is it?

OFFICIAL  
I suppose not. Okay, you're all set! Have a nice day.

The Post-man leaves without a word, and the Official goes back to his own abject boredom. This carries on until he spies someone else approaching. Which on closer inspection seems to be a Post-man WHO LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ONE WHO JUST PASSED BY.

REAL POST-MAN  
I have a parcel for delivery to an...(checks notebook, then looks back up to notice the expression on the Official's face) is something the matter?

The Official sits amazed for a moment, then turns around suddenly.

OFFICIAL  
HEY! YOU! ST-

We can see the vague outline of Tak in her invisible holographic state as she buries her hand in the Official's face and sends his head through the desk. We don't see anything through the metal, but the splattering of green goo and the Official's twisted, twitching limbs indicate that he may not be getting up again. The Post-Man stands appalled, until a brief outline of Tak's eyes appear as a flash streaks across them.

TAK  
You've seen nothing.

After those words, the outline disappears completely and Tak is nowhere to be found. The Post-Man stands dumb-struck, until he starts blinking and noticing the twitching corpse in front of him, and he keels over, screaming.

COMMERCIAL BREAK 


	2. Top of the Line b

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

Zim is dragging GIR around the stalls, trying to find a way up somewhere. Meanwhile, GIR is slapping his legs in some kind of bizarre playground ritual while giggling to himself. Eventually, he comes up against the entrance to a stairway with an Irken sign above indicating to Zim that this is the place to go. As he walks up, an Imperial guardsman pops up out of nowhere (complete with mist) and bars his way.

GUARD  
INVADERS AND IMPORTANT PERSONS ONLY! BEGONE WITH YOU, PEON!

ZIM  
Peon? I AM ZIM! You cannot deny Zim the greatest honour this Empire can bestow!

GUARD  
Well, see me try.

At this point, Skoodge and Pudge make an appearance behind them. GIR notices Pudge and stares at him dumbfoundedly.

SKOODGE  
There's no point, Zim. I've been trying all morning. They just don't seem to like us for some reason.

ZIM  
Who else is up there?

SKOODGE  
See for yourself.

Zim looks up and sees a number of the 32 official Invaders already up there, as well as a number of important dignatories in above the Invader's seats, featuring two large seats, presumably for the Tallest themselves. Of particular note is Larb, who seems to be apart from the other Invaders in that he's surrounded by a number of Service Drones who heap all kinds of praise and snack foods on him.

ZIM  
What's Invader Larb doing with so much praise? That should be ME up there!

SKOODGE  
He's not an Invader anymore. Since he conquered Vort he's been made Commander, with his own fleet, his own entourage, and his own fully-stocked, perfectly-maintained vending machine. He may seem arrogant, but he's really a nice guy deep down.

Larb momentarily seems distracted, looking at the playing fields, then at Invader Tenn's seat.

LARB  
Hey! She has a better seat than me!

Two Imperial Guards appear alongside her and pick her up.

TENN  
Huh? What? WAIIIT!

...and throw her straight off the building. She screams for the entire journey down, but her fall is broken by...Skoodge, who happened to be standing underneath. As his body is embedded in the concrete, she picks herself up and tries to get her feet free of his flesh. Zim lends her a hand.

TENN  
Someone conquers an oversized couch and he thinks he rules the universe.

ZIM  
He just got lucky.

Tenn stands on the pavement beside Skoodge and dusts herself off, slowing down when she notices who it was who helped her out. A few moments of stony silence and then she screams and runs for her life in the opposite direction. Zim is unrepentent.

ZIM  
THAT'S RIGHT! ALL SHOULD FEAR THE WRATH OF ZIIIM! Come GIR!

GIR is still staring at Pudge.

GIR  
You're so purdy.

PUDGE  
PUDGE DOES NOT RECOGNIZE "PURDY"!

GIR  
I like youuuu...

ZIM  
GIR!

Zim grabs GIR by the antennae and physically drags him away. Skoodge groans in discomfort.

SKOODGE  
Such great guys... (falls unconscious)

ABV: OLYMPIA STADIUM

Meanwhile, high above the stadium a number of floating screens are collecting featuring the announcer from TNB back to his old announcing ways.

ANNOUNCER  
The 48-hour SIR-a-thon, sponsored by Irken Footwear, the finest manufacturer of Irken boots made by the best in third-universe child slave labour, is proud to announce the arrival of our omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, omni...something leaders, THE ALLMIGHTY TALLEST!

A giant cheer erupts from all corners of the stadium as the Tallest's personal shuttle comes in to dock above the main stand. The underside of the ship opens up to reveal a lowering platform with the Tallest perched on top. Huge beams concentrate on the Tallest as they wave to the crowd.

PURPLE  
ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

The entire crowd answers in the affirmative. Meanwhile...

INT: SERVICE SHAFT

...inside a high-up darkened service shaft a figure watches the Tallest through slit blinds.

TAK  
Oh, you're gonna rock all-right...

Tak then proceeds to climb down the shaft.

EXT: SIR-UNIT STALLS

At the same time, Zim has dragged GIR all the way to the SIR stalls, where a number of downtrodden service drones are busy having the lifeforce drained out of them. Zim goes up to one of them and holds GIR up towards him.

ZIM  
My SIR unit is taking part in the competition. Take good care of it unless it starts being irritating, at which point I give you the strongest encouragement to do horrible things to its head.

GIR is staring at the sevice drone with a suggestive grin on his face.

GIR  
Are you the mime?

SERVICE DRONE BILL  
What?

GIR grabs onto Bill's face and smooshes it beyond recognition.

GIR  
YOU ARE THE MIME! YOU ARRRRE!

ZIM  
Anyway, have fun!

Zim leaves Bill to grapple with GIR and wakes away with a spring in his step.

TENN (O.S  
Hasn't arrived yet? Did you check?

Zim stops and listens into the conversation

SERVICE DRONE JILL (O.S  
Yes, we've checked.

TENN (O.S  
Well, could you...I dunno...check again?

Tenn is leaning over a desk, arguing with the Stalls manager.

JILL  
Just take our word for it, we have received no parcel addressed to you.

TENN  
But that parcel had my SIR in it! I had it specially modified! I was assured it would turn up on time!

JILL  
I'm sorry, but as far as I can gather, the postman who was scheduled to deliver the package was arrested out front for brutally murdering a security officer.

TENN  
What? YOU KNEW THIS? What happened to the package?

JILL  
Got lost.

TENN  
You just really enjoy torturing people don't you?

Jill bursts into maniacal laughter while Zim listens in, intrigued.

ZIM  
Hmmm...if I find this modified SIR unit, I could get into Tenn's favour and get up to the stalls. Wait, Zim doesn't accept favours! (thinks) I could BRIBE her!

Zim smiles with glee.

INT: SIR-UNIT STALLS

Meanwhile, GIR is chucked into a pen and the door slammed behind him. He looks behind him at the closed door.

BILL (O.S  
Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get along just fine with the other SIRs.

GIR looks in front and notices a room full of red-eyed SIRs, testing weapons, sharpening claws, getting into melee fights, all glaring at cute 'lil GIR with intense anger and despisal. GIR just smiles and waves at them before walking, devoid of fear, towards a power terminal, grabbing onto a terminal, shocking himself, giggling, then repeating it several times. The other SIRs glare at each other incomprehensibly.

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

A service drone is holding out a tray along a long pavilion and walking down while Tenn approaches from the opposite direction.

SERVICE DRONE LOU  
OVERPRICED SLUDGE! GET YER OVERPRICED SLUDGE HERE! IT'S HORRIBLE, BAD FOR YER, BUT IT'S ALL YER GONNA GET! GET YER OVERPRICED SLUDGE HERE!

Tenn turns into a doorway while Zim sneaks up behind her, ducking behind pillars and peering out as he goes.

INT: GUARDHOUSE

Zim peeks through the doorway and quickly hides again as Tenn momentarily looks behind her. She turns to the desk above.

TENN  
AHEM!

The over-sized Irken guard at the desk turns around, irritated at the interruption of his snack-eating, then becomes a bit more adulatory as he realizes who's speaking to him.

SECURITY GUARD  
Oh! Invader Tenn! Uh...how can I help you?

TENN  
A package was meant to be delivered to me some time ago. I understand the one who was supposed to deliver it happened to kill someone at the entrance?

SECURITY GUARD  
Oh that! We had to take the parcel as evidence. But if it's yours, I guess you can have it back. SKUD? ACTIVATE THE EVIDENCE-ASSEMBLER!

A bored-looking fellow guard presses a button and a hatch opens up. Out of it comes a six-limbed cross between a monkey, a gerbil and some form of goat, but green, bearing a cardboard box with a large sticker saying "TO: TENN" on it. The creature sets it down in front of Tenn and scuttles off. At the doorway, Zim clenches his fist as if to say "drat". Tenn moves towards the box, opening the top and peering in. Abruptly, a great big claw latches onto her head and Mimi emerges from the box, jetting up into the air and through the door besides a startled Zim.

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

Zim is knocked sideways as Mimi jets by and runs a semi-circle around him into the underground tunnels below. Zim stands up as a group of guards run out from behind him in order to see where Mimi went, but only Zim seems to know.

ZIM  
That was Tak's robot! Oh this is bad! This is so very bad! Ugh, where's a SIR unit when I need one?

SKOODGE  
Maybe I can help?

Zim jolts sideways as Skoodge and Pudge appears to have emerged beside him.

ZIM  
SKOODGE? What are you doing here?

SKOODGE  
I don't really like sports anyway, and the incredible pain in my spine really got me thinking about how lucky it is to have a friend like you.

ZIM  
(in shock) ...get away...

SKOODGE  
Pudge? You couldn't track down Tak could you?

PUDGE  
PUDGE ACCEPTS YOUR COMMANDS! PUDGE BURN STUFF!

Pudge runs to the entrance to the tunnels and leaps down, while Zim and Skoodge follow.

INT: MAIN STAND

The Tallest are sitting there looking bored. Larb is still looking smug underneath.

RED  
How long does it take for these events to start? It's taking FOREVER!

LARB  
They're waiting for you to give the word.

PURPLE  
We can do that?

LARB  
Well, you ARE the almighty leaders of the Empire.

RED  
That is so true. Very well. LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN!

Nothing happens.

LARB  
Uh sir? You have to turn the microphone on.

RED  
(pause) I knew that. (presses a button on his seat) LET THE COMPETITION BEGIN!

ABV: OLYMPIA STADIUM

A cheer erupts from the crowd as the announcer begins his monologue.

ANNOUNCER  
With the endorsement of our Tallest, the 48-hour SIR-a-thon will begin in earnest. Let's meet the contestants!

In the centre, smoke machines herald the arrival of the SIR units, one after another, all fairly identical to each other and snarling in preparation for the main event.

ANNOUNCER  
After more than a year of braving the most horrible conditions imaginable to Irken beings, these murderous robots are ready to tear apart their competition in a blood-bath of frenzy, carnage, and all-round nastiness!

While at the very end, GIR stands lop-sidedly in complete ignorance of it all. Ooh-ing at the spectacle, he becomes distracted and wanders off stage, at which point he's forced back on by a nearby guard. He tries to run back, but a large electric prod dissuades him further.

INT: UNDERGROUND TUNNELS

The cheering of the crowd echoes even here. The tunnels are almost pitch-black and skanky. Mimi is clamped around Tenn's head as she jumps down off a tunnel head and lands in the muck.

TENN  
What's going on? I can't see!

TAK (O.S  
Let go of her, Mimi.

Mimi lets Tenn drop into the muck. She collects herself.

TENN  
Thank you! Now if you could explain the meaning of...eep.

The "eep" was in response to Tak, who was towering over her with a certain lack of empathy.

TAK  
The meaning of this? I'll give you a meaning. You smug little Invaders, thinking that a certificate and a lifetime of kissing the Tallest's feet makes you better than the rest of us. I worked hard to become an Invader! I was better than ANYONE ELSE who applied! But what happens? The very one who ruined my chances gets commended while I get stuck in a dump! Is that right? IS IT?

Tenn backs away a little

TENN  
Okayyyy...you got some grievances...but wouldn't it be better if it went through...you know...the proper channels?

TAK  
No, it would be better if you all died horrible painful deaths. And YOU are going to help me!

TENN  
No way! My colleagues will wonder where I am, you'll see!

INT: MAIN STAND

The Invaders are almost all present, except for a few glaring exceptions.

GRAPA  
Hey, where's Tenn?

LARB  
Who cares? OH! HERE COMES MINE!

EXT: STADIUM PLAYING FIELDS

Two SIR units, one distinctive in it's purple painting (obviously Larb's work) face off against each other.

ANNOUNCER  
First up is the one-on-one match between the SIR unit of Invader Sneaky-on-foota and the SIR unit, coated in imperial colours, of our esteemed Commander Larb! The two are just circling each other-

The normal-looking SIR unit then jets into Larb's and crushes it against the wall of the arena.

ANNOUNCER  
-and Larb's unit is down! Oh, this is going to be such a humiliation for the Commander when word of this gets around-

INT: MAIN STAND

Larb, irritated, indicates to a nearby guard, who projects a sniper-rifle device onto hi shoulders and fires.

EXT: STADIUM PLAYING FIELDS

The ordinary SIR unit promptly blasts into smithereens.

ANNOUNCER  
-but wait! Larb's SIR has made a stunning comeback and Sneaky-on-foota's has been annihilated! This is quite a shock isn't it?

INT: MAIN STAND

Larb looks exceedingly smug at this turn of events.

GEORDIE-ACCENTED ANNOUNCER  
It sure is, Kip.

INT: UNDERGROUND TUNNELS

Pudge leads the way as Zim and Skoodge follow close behind. Zim seems to be cracking up.

ZIM  
Oh! This is taking forever! I'm missing the starting matches! The pretzels must be all sold out by now!

SKOODGE  
Wait, I think Pudge has found something!

Pudge is standing and pointing at an orifice nearby. From where cackling seems to be emanating. As we peer through, we can see Tak laughing at a decidedly disinterested Tenn.

TENN  
Can you stop doing that? It's hurting my hearing.

TAK  
Oh, you small-minded drone! Do you really think you'll get out of this alive? When this is all over you, and your precious Tallest, and your precious Invaders will be nothing more than so much asphalt by the time I'm through with them!

TENN  
Doing what? You still haven't told me what your plan is. How do I fit in?

TAK  
Fit in? You fit into the Invader's special clique better than I ever will, so...

Tak does her eye-flashy thing to scan Tenn, and her holographic matrix flickers as she perfectly mimics Tenn's features, even her voice.

TAK/TENN  
I'll just do a little swap.

ZIM (O.S  
TAK!

The two of them turn towards the opening, where Zim, Pudge and Skoodge are collected.

ZIM  
Can't you just take defeat with dignity? I mean, seriously.

TAK/TENN  
You'll rue the day you ever crossed me, Zim!

TENN  
GET ME AWAY FROM THIS WEIRDO!

SKOODGE  
Oh no! Which one's really Tak?

Zim projects one of his spider legs and shoots Tenn in the face, who fall backwards against the floor.

ZIM  
Whichever one isn't bleeding.

TAK/TENN  
You don't think you'll win, do you?

ZIM  
Why not? We outnumber you, after all.

TAK/TENN  
Mimi?

Mimi shoots her claw at Pudge and throws him across the tunnel at the opposite wall. He then slides down in a somewhat dilapidated state.

PUDGE  
Ugh...Pudge does not enjoy this...

SKOODGE  
Um...don't you think we'd better negotiate?

ZIM  
Never! (extends spider legs) PREPARE TO FACE MY WRATH, TAK!

Tak/Tenn extends her spider legs in response and charges down one of the tunnels.

ABV: OLYMPIA STADIUM

The centre of the stadium has developed an intricate obstacle course, extending vertically as much as it extends horizontally, which is pretty extensive in itself. The announcer is still floating up ahead.

ANNOUNCER  
And the competition is fierce as we move into...THE OBSTACLE ROUND! A massive monolith of mazes, booby-traps and dead-ends that must be navigated in the shortest time possible to ratchet up the most points! First up, Larb! The leader so far thanks to his brilliant strategy of shooting anyone who gets in his way, and he will need all the skills he programmed to get through this one.

EXT: OBSTACLE COURSE

Larb's SIR is stationed at the mouth of the structure, which happens to be near the exit. Behind it the other SIRs are standing, waiting for their turn. A screen nearby counts down, and as soon as it goes "bing", the robot jets off. We can see huge plumes of smoke collecting in the structure, and two seconds later it comes through the other end, arms raised in victory, totally unharmed.

ANNOUNCER  
Incredible! Larb's SIR does it again, coming in under 2.5 seconds. It'll be hard to beat that!

GEORDIE-ACCENTED ANNOUNCER  
It sure will, Kip.

INT: MAIN STAND

LARB  
Heheh...I am so cool.

GRAPA  
Ah, shut up.

Larb indicates to his nearby associates, who promptly throw Grapa off the stand. He chuckles light-heartedly.

INT: UNDERGROUND TUNNELS

The chase has been going on for quite a while now, as Tak/Tenn seeks to evade her pursuers. However, she eventually runs into a wall at the end of one of her tunnels. Spider legs dig into the ground as Zim and Skoodge appear behind her.

ZIM  
Hah! Dead-end! What do you plan to do now, Tak?

Tak/Tenn looks unsure for a moment, then a mischievous grin crosses her face.

TAK/TENN  
ATTACK!

Tak/Tenn and Mimi charge and surprise Zim and Skoodge. Skoodge is sent flying by Tak/Tenn, while Zim grapples with Mimi, evidently losing the battle.

EXT: OBSTACLE COURSE

GIR is lining up to take the obstacle course, sticking out his tongue in indifference.

ANNOUNCER  
And next up is Zim's SIR-unit, known as GIR. A late entry with no chances of winning whatsoever, but hey, it's entertainment.

GIR, looking puzzled, looks around for the source of the voice. His eyes eventually drift upward and a big grin crosses his face. He gets ready, then jets straight up.

ANNOUNCER  
He's getting ready...AND HE'S...wait, where's he going?

ABV: OLYMPIA STADIUM

GIR jets up from the stadium and latches onto the Announcer's screen, that he proceeds to poke.

ANNOUNCER  
Hey! Hey, get off! Stop it! This isn't virtual y'know! Hey! Stop! It's painful! Leggo! Ah! Hey!

INT: UNDERGROUND TUNNELS

Skoodge, heavily bruised, is running like a child away from Tak/Tenn, who picks him up and throws him straight down a chute. She turns back to Zim, who's trying to keep himself from getting crushed by Mimi's ginormous clamp by using his spider legs to push against its force. Abruptly he rolls aside, letting the claw embed itself in the stonework. While Mimi tries to pull it out, Zim picks up a pipe that's been loosened by the claw's impact and batters Mimi's head into the wall. The robot goes dead. Zim flings aside the pipe in triumph.

ZIM  
Hah! I defeated your puny robot, Tak! Now how do you defend yourself?

TAK/TENN  
Do you think I'd be that short-sighted? SIR UNIT! ACTIVATE AUTO-REPAIR!

A compartment in Tak/Tenn's pak rather unexpectantly begins flashing.

TENN'S SIR  
VOICE PATTERN RECOGNISED! AUTO-REPAIR ACTIVATED!

TAK/TENN  
Eep.

Tak/Tenn screams as Tenn's SIR rips its way out of her pak and through the ceiling. Zim is knocked back by the force, but Tak/Tenn notices the floodlights streaming through the hole.

TAK/TENN  
It's the way out.

Tak/Tenn scrambles through the hole on her way to freedom.

ABV: OLYMPIA STADIUM

GIR is still poking the screen and irritating the Announcer.

ANNOUNCER  
WILL YOU STOP IT? THIS IS GOING OUT ON LIVE TELEVISION, I'LL BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE ENTIRE EMPIRE! Fine, you give me no choice.

A robotic arm extends itself from the screen. GIR stares at it enchantedly before it shoots him. The force sends GIR rocketing into the structure of the obstacle course, which then begins to topple.

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

Through a hole in the ground Tak/Tenn appears, looking extremely pleased with herself after she lost her two pursuers. But she then notices the shadow creeping over her, and she turns to see the obstacle course toppling over her, blotting out the floodlights. Her face of sheer terror says it all.

The obstacle course impacts against the ground, sending shockwaves throughout the stadium, but in particular toppling straight over the waiting SIR units, who all seem to be crushed by the incredible weight of the thing. Lots of screaming, lots of panic, a typical day when Zim's involved.

ABV: OLYMPIA STADIUM

The announcer looks utterly shocked.

ANNOUNCER  
We are so dead.

GEORDIE-ACCENTED ANNOUNCER  
We sure are, Kip.

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

In the midsts of all the wreckage, GIR appears out of the rubble, totally unfazed.

ANNOUNCER  
And...and the winner is GIR! Being the only surviving contender!

The crowd cheers, GIR giggles in glee, and all is right with the world again.

INT: MAIN STAND

Larb just stares, completely traumatised. Red puts a concialatory hand on his shoulder.

RED  
Well...it could have been worse.

PURPLE  
Yeah...after all you're still alive...

At this point a stray piece of wreckage impacts into the main stand.

INT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

Meanwhile, buried under several mounds of debris, a severely bruised and beaten Tak/Tenn flickers and fluctuates and becomes plain old ordinary Tak again. She tries to get up, but can't seem to handle the strain and just collapses again. Her consciousness perks up when Zim drops Mimi in front of her.

ZIM  
Now take your robot and get lost.

Tak just stares venomously as Tenn and Skoodge approach on their respective SIR units.

SKOODGE  
You okay here, Zim?

ZIM  
Don't go poking your superior "ooh, I conquered Blorch" nose into this, Skoodge! This is ZIM'S BUSINESS!

TAK  
Not anymore it isn't. You're all drones. All of you, drones! Idolising that imcompetent egomaniac and ignoring me. (Zim makes "blah blah" motions with his mouth and hands during this exchange) Don't think you've seen the last of me!

ZIM  
Sure won't.

Zim extends his spider legs and chucks Tak clean away from the site, before retracting them and dropping back down.

SKOODGE  
Sorry, but what just happened?

TENN  
Well, as far as I can manage, Tak was beaten by a falling obstacle course that destroyed all the other SIRs except our three, and Zim is now the victor of the 48-hour SIR-a-thon with 47 hours to spare.

ZIM  
Ooh, neat! I wonder what prize I'll get...

Zim is promptly thwacked in the head by GIR carrying a "first prize" trophy, and he sits up to see the Tallest accompanied by an inflamed Larb and the 29 other official Invaders, all with bandages and plasters.

RED  
YOUR PRIZE IS A TEN MINUTE HEAD-START BEFORE WE BLOW YOU TO SMITHEREENS!

PURPLE  
AND YOU SHOULD SEE THE RUNNER-UP!

LARB  
You're gonna pay...you are SO gonna pay.

TENN  
You get that a lot don't you?

A bunch of guards promptly point tasers at Zim, prompting his immediate flight from the scene.

INT: VOOT CRUISER

GIR is using his trophy as a slushie-cup while Zim relaxes in the cocpit.

ZIM  
You know? That day actually went better than most. I showed my incredible superiority while showing Tak a thing or two.

EXT: OLYMPIA STADIUM

We just see Tak's eyes.

TAK  
Oh, I'm gonna show Zim a thing or two...

SUPERVISOR  
Hey! No slacking on the job!

We pull back to reveal Tak clearing away all the wreckage from the stadium along with Mimi and a long line of service drones under an Irken supervisor.

SUPERVISOR  
No break tonight, Janitorial Squad! We need to make way for a shopping mall complex next!

FADE TO BLACK 


End file.
